A War Has Started

April 21, 2012

Trying to limit myself to only 2 meals a day. This week is a lot easier than last week. I stepped on the scale and my weight is still the same as it was three weeks ago. I imagine it’s probably water weight. I’ve been drinking a lot of water lately before and after my workouts. It calms down cravings and such. 

Still only eating one can of tuna, a can of green beans, and 5 wheat crackers for meals twice a day. Not sick of it yet, but we’ll have to see. For breakfast I have a slice of sweet bread. Just for that little metabolism boost in the morning or whatever. 

I just hate thinking about food. I hate feeling hungry because then I get anxiety over what I’m going to eat. It’s so much easier to stick to the same thing every day. Sometimes I can’t even finish the entire can of green beans. I do it anyway though. 

April 18, 2012

I’ve never felt so discouraged about my body before today. I looked in the mirror and just stared for maybe 30 minutes. Just stared. I saw every imperfection in myself. The color of my shin, the awkward structure of my nose, the arch of my eyebrows, the shape of my forehead, the direction my hair grew, the slope of my shoulders, the curve of my body, etc. I saw everything. I wanted to cry. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. There is no beauty in me. I am not proud of anything. 

In the mirror, I saw this sad, ugly, fat girl. I don’t want to be this girl anymore.

In three weeks, I go to Oceanside with my best friend. We’re going to the beach. We’ll be wearing bikinis. She is going to look 100x’s better than me. Her hip bones stick out. Her ribs show in her chest. Her inner thighs don’t touch. She has perfect skin. I’m going to be the ugly fat friend next to her.

This is not going to happen. I went to the store today and bought some small cans of tuna and green beans. I also bought whole grain crackers. 1 can of tuna a night. 5 crackers. A can of green beans. Water to drink. This will be my food for the next three weeks. I will run 2 miles every night. I will be thin, fit, toned, skinny for Oceanside. 

April 11, 2012

I don’t know what it is lately…whenever I get hungry, there isn’t really any foods that appeal to me. I find this weird, since I have always been the kind of person who is just in LOVE with food. I’m not even a picky eater, like I’ll eat anything that is in front of me (except potatoes…man, fuck potatoes). But lately just nothing sounds good when I’m hungry. 

Of course I eventually eat something, but noting satisfies me. I’ll be in the middle of eating a taco or a sandwich and I won’t even want to finish it. Nothing tastes good anymore.

I told my therapist about the awkwardness between food and I lately, and she thinks it has something to do with stressing about my future and such. Apparently this kind of behavior isn’t uncommon with children in similar situations as mine. Once everything is figured out, my eating habits will return to normal. 

I mean, I’m saving a lot of money but at the same time I feel fatigued more often than I used to. I keep wanting to take naps every day, no matter how much sleep I got the night before. Idk. We’ll just have to see. I need to chill.